JI by June. 💉😱

I can't believe it's finally happening. 

I can't believe I'll be a 4th year med student this June!!

Fourth year is basically training to become an actual healthcare worker. By this time, we are expected to deliver quality care to the sick directly as junior interns - applying what we learned, both theoretical and skills-wise, during the 3 tormenting years in medical school. That is.. if I have retained anything. 😳

Internship starts in 2 days.
My first rotation, Internal Medicine.
My current emotional state: a mix of 🙏😭😆😰.

What scares me the most is the thought of not being at par with the expectations that the patients, the consultants, my family, and that I have of myself. The pressure is high and room for error feels like it should be non-existent. Especially since we're dealing with actual human lives here. Without a doubt I know I would be going through mental and physical agony. Becoming a slave intern, the bottom of the healthcare pyramid, and the added burden of being a natural introverted lady, would for sure drain all the passion I have for medicine.

But despite all this negative insecure thoughts of mine, I know I will manage. As I always have over the past years. Or else I wouldn't have gotten this far, right? I just hope that the combination of sleep deprivation, poor eating habits, and fatigue would not burn me out so much. I hope the drive to learn, finish med school, and compassion triumphs over the bone-deep exhaustion of internship.

In other news, CLERK NA AKO FRIENDS!! 😊
Continue to guide me Ya Allah. Alhamdulillah for everything I have. Alhamdulillah for everything I had. Alhamdulillah for everything I will have.

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Let me just share how the last few weeks of third year was for me.

I now understand why people call it TIRED year.
It's because you get sick and tired of medicine. It was really tough during the last few weeks. Everyday was a day of breakdown, tears, and madness. I felt like all my best efforts were not being recognized and the remaining confidence that I have with myself dwindled away with it. It was the worst. I was at it again with why I chose to be here, constantly questioning myself if I have accomplished anything, if I will ever make it as a doctor. I was in a constant battle with myself that I even considered myself borderline depressed.

But as they say.. only the brave remains. Things changed for me when I accepted reality. It was exhausting but more than that I was human. I thank my lucky stars for surrounding me with such supportive family and friends. They were there watching at the sides, constantly checking up on me, despite me pushing them away. They believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. I thank these people for keeping me sane. I swear, I owe all this to you.

Done with 1st year Medicine! ☕

It's actually been a month since vacation started.
I was waiting for the grades to come out before I write an entry to.. you know, not hex it. But it's actually been days since the full grades were out and I was way too busy being unproductive. (ಠ⌣ಠ)

2 weeks after the last school day, I attended a 3 day Basic Life Support/First Aid Training. This was a requirement for 2nd year and to be honest I didn't really want to attend because duh, SUMMER. But long story short, I'm glad I went. I learned how to perform CPR, the Heimlich Maneuver, bandaging, transferring patients, dealing with burns, cuts, bleeding and a lot more. There were written exams and practicals but it was grade school easy, nothing you can't handle. We also had a (pretend) mass casualty on the last day and I was assigned a victim, so all I had to do was lie on the floor with my fake intestines out while I bleed uncontrollably and wait for rescue. It was really fun, almost like a team building seminar. Then at the end of every day it always gets me saying "this is what I want to learn". You know, the actual stuff. What they do, what doctors do, when in an emergency situation.

My school year in a nutshell has been crazy. If you have read my previous med school posts then you probably have an idea how intense it has been. First year was tough. I had to deal not only with so much reading and learning but I also had to manage my sanity. As what my sister (who is now a consultant) once said, medicine is not just about IQ but also EQ. I had a lot of ups and downs during my first year and my grades barely even cut for second year. You know that feeling when you were young, when you thought you were really special and on top of your class most of the time? Well here I was pretty average. Everyone was smart, cool and #goals and it just hurts your self esteem knowing people are excelling and you're just there, stuck in the mud and hardly even moving. I had a REALLY hard time adjusting. I'm sure everyone did, some were just good at hiding it. But came second trimester and I learned to pick myself up and strive for a better me. It wasn't the *boom* "change has come" kind of moment, rather it was a slow but sure one. After all, a little progress is still a progress. By the end of my 1st year, I got used to being a student again and I think I've finally adjusted. So first year, people say it's when you learn all the normal stuff - Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry. I learned way more than just that and I could confidently say that I grew as a person.

Good job, Ahj! We'll get that MD in no time! 👊

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For all those who are still unsure of whether to pursue medicine or not, you better stop and ask yourself if you're ready to risk a lot of things. It takes a really strong desire to finish and faith in yourself would cover most of it. I too had a lot of times I've thought of quitting and for multiple reasons too, but it has never come to a point of wanting to leave. I do get envious of non med people because they're currently living the life. I do want to be independent again, get a job and earn my own money instead of asking from my parents. I want to travel the world, go on a shopping spree, eat good food with good company and be careless too. But I also want to save lives. I want to stop the pain some are suffering from. I want to learn about the wonders of the human body. I want my parents to be proud of me. And I really want to wear a doctor's coat. *wink*

(Not) your average med student.

The thing about med school (or any dream for that matter) is that on your way there, it's really easy for you to say you want to give up. You feel that this isn't what's for you and that maybe, nothing would ever come out from all this hard work that you're giving.


Five friends have already given up on that dream of becoming a future physician. And to think that they are the ones who embody so much potential of becoming one. It's bittersweet, sad to see a friend leave and quit her long time dream yet happy for them for realizing what they really wanted to do after all this time.

“It wasn’t that my job was too hard or that I wanted to give up, it was that I realized I could live a much bigger, more meaningful life than I was currently living.” [Shelby Earl on why she ditched a successful career to make music]

Many times I too wondered if this really was for me or if I was only brainwashed into thinking that it was. In my case however I work so hard, harder than some even. Staying up several nights, missing out on important events in life, hammering away studying tirelessly and sometimes fruitlessly, until something comes out of it. It's not that I haven't thought this through before applying, I have, many times. It's just that I never thought it would make me miserable most of the time which is the major reason behind all this doubts. I did not nothing but to complain about how hard it was (see my previous blogs). My analogy to a friend was: "It's like going to some unknown place without a map or any navigation in hand, and all the people around you don't know how to speak your language. You also don't know if you're going the right way or if you're ever gonna reach your destination." Basically, it's a huge risk.\\\ Is it worth it?

Strangely enough, right when I'm in the verge of quitting, I'm suddenly reminded about why I'm there (or STILL there) in the first place. [Woops. If you're expecting for some revelatory moment, don't. Ask me about why I pursued medicine, I won't be able to give you a straight answer.] I thought hey, no one was making me be there. And if I wanted, I could just switch paths. However, I didn't. And I was even willing to stay up several nights for it. Which means that I myself really wanted this, that I see this as something really important FOR MY OWN personal growth. I mean, I had my fair share of happy moments too! It wasn't all bad. The feeling of fulfillment that I get from pursuing medicine has trumped over misery and stress. I grew drastically (mentally, emotionally, even physically lol) over just a short period of time and that's what keeps me grounded. Yes, I may be having a pretty tough time in school now but I believe it is a good move for me in the long run. Who knows, this may even be key to my success? Well, it's still too early to tell and I can only hope for a bright future. But for now, I'll stay.

Oh and also, I was born a warrior eh. *Wink wink.*

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Over christmas break, I was able to finish two dramas and several movies. Just wanted to make short reviews before forgetting the feels.

[KDrama] Fashion King
The worst. First episode and I've received warnings about how terrible the ending was. True enough, the whole drama was pointless. It was anything but fashion. It went from series of unfortunate events to death real quick. It was dark, gloomy and there was probably never a happy scene. Idk. I didn't finish the whole thing and skipped to the last episode which was terrible by the way. Like what is up with that ending? Rating: 4/10

[KDrama] Twenty Again
One of the most memorable scenes here was when the lead, after realizing how her dream of becoming a pro dancer has passed, cried her eyes out because she knew she can never take the time lost back again. Almost 20 years spent as a stay-at-home wife and only when a major event did she realize she had tons of things she wanted to do. Certainly no one wants that to happen and the saying "Live each day like it was your last" is a bit cliché. But the lesson I got here is to value the present as much as the future. On the downside, I felt little to no chemistry from the casts. Rating: 7/10

[KMovie] Twenty
A (really fun) movie I can relate to. It had the same concept as twenty again drama but straightforward. Here we see the life struggles of twenty-somethings and as twenty-something myself, I relate wholeheartedly. One thing I got from the movie is that there are three roads and not just two: (1) follow-your-dreams road, (2) do-something-practical road, and (3) the-free-spirit road. Hands down to Kim Woo Bin, he was the man here. The funny man lol. Rating: 10/10

[JMovie] Flying Colors
I need weekly dose of movies like this, please. The ending was expected but the script was really nice. Tons of quotable quotes from this movie! As expected from a Japanese movie.\\\ I liked it probably because it had a dash of psychology and because I could relate to it. Oh and that metaphor with the egg scene, two thumbs up. The cram teacher was a good speaker too. He just makes you want to study, a lot. Haha. Rating: 8/10

One semester down! ✌

HELL YEAH! It's finally the long awaited semester break!


I've never been so appreciative of breaks. Before it's usually just "Oh it's vacation already? Okay." but now it's like "FREAKING END THE SEM ALREADY!"

It feels like such a huge accomplishment to have finished a semester in med school. My brain was way past its limit and it's incredible how I'm still functioning despite the solid sleepless nights. Though compared to the first few months of it, I think I've finally adjusted. I'm slowly getting the feel of things and the adrenaline rush is kind of addicting. One reason why I decided to pursue medicine? I like learning. Those 'eureka moments' you get when integrating concepts are like having unlocked a level in a game. Priceless. Anyway, enough school talk.

I have a bucket list of things for this break.
1. One big thing that I would be doing is to go hiking. I've always wanted to try it but it usually ends as a day dream. But after the arduous 4 months in school, some soul searching is def a need to reinvigorate my tired mind. Making it real this time. In fact, the date it set and reservation is booked! Yasss. #AHJventures
2. Restore health - lessen the risk of non communicable disease. Med school is stress and eats up so much of my time. I gained a lot over the 4 months and based from all the laboratory work we did in class (bp, heart rate, respi, etc), I'm out of shape. I have to work out and watch my intake. Bring back the athlete in me!
3. Pampering is a must. Need to have my hair done, get my facial, my dental, and all that girly shizz I haven't done for so long. Must. Unzombify. Self.
4. Errands, errands, errands. Stock up on my supplies, tidy up the room, update the board of memories, preparations for the second semester, and get my voters ID. I'm gonna slack off but not entirely. I mean I still have responsibilities. Ugh.
5. Restore relationships. Family bonding and ahhh social life. Probably gonna meet up with friends and catch up. Med school has made me anti social, it's scary.
6. Last but not least, implanting my self in bed. I need sleep - lots of it. I'm just gonna snuggle up in my PJ's, catch up on series, movies, and well.. life and do nothing the rest of the day. Happiness is not setting up an alarm for the next day. Weeee.

2 months into Med School

Just thought of updating the blog world on Ahj's #MedLifeCrisis.

Only 2 months in and I think I've gone through all the possible mood there is. Every single day I find myself so out of it I feel like my brain cells are killing themselves to have a peace of mind.

What worked during undergrad years may not translate to med school.
I don't study much when I was in college. I only pick up a book the night before the test, and usually (but not always) I get good grades still. Med school on the other hand is a bitch. Cramming does not work and believe me I learned that the hard way. Slowly but surely I've learned to adjust my schedule, i.e when we have quiz/exams the next week, I study A WEEK BEFORE. Though it did improve my grades a little, it still wasn't enough to really get high grades. So aside from getting a head start, make sure to really digest EVERYTHING you've read. Eat, sleep and breathe the information. It really takes a lot of understanding and memorizing if you want to get through tests unscathed. But please don't torture yourself. Set time to play and be human again. (I play games and watch series/movies on my tablet during break times)

Tons of group work, I cry.
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm more of a one man team. So it's no surprise that I do poorly when it comes to group/lab works. The reason being is that I tend to think slower compared to others, not because I'm stupid but because I tend to think about things more critically. I'm also really shy and conscious. I care a lot about what other people think and if you know me on a personal level, you'll know I really hate disappointing others. I am thankful though for being surrounded by wonderful groupies who also sidelines as really good friends. I learn a lot from them and they actually are the ones who give me strength (cheesy pero totoo). It's not all bad if you think about it. Group works now would really help in the future. I'll be part of a team later in my chosen field so I better learn to socialize now if I want to survive later.

Not going to turn this into a novel but the prime reason for posting was because last week and especially the week before that I was at my lowest. And I am very happy to say I survived though I didn't think I would. So it just shows that no matter how terrible or suck-y your situation is right now, the sun will rise again tomorrow and who knows what the tides will bring. (Also I have piles of readings to finish so I'll go ahead)

I LEARNED AND WILL SURVIVE.
As long as I don't lose sight of what's ahead, I'll be fine.