Hey blog. It's been way too long since my last post and a lot has happened since then.
Believe it or not I managed to finish my residency training in OBGYN. After years of struggle and barely getting through each day, I somehow graduated and even passed the written exam this year in one take. But why is it, somehow, I don't feel accomplished? Probably because I still have to go through the oral exam maybe next year? I don't know. I feel.. meh right now. I mean I am grateful and priviliged to be living the dream that I once prayed for but at the end of the day I don't feel accomplished, do you get me?
I'm 33 years old now and I would say I've changed a lot. I feel like my eyes opened for the first time or that I breathed my first real breath at some point in my recent life, I just can't tell what the turning point was. All I know was that 2023 was one of the darkest years of my life. Everything got so out of hand - at home, at work, my personal relationship with others and even my health to a point of having to seek a professional for help. I was a high functioning depressed human that time. I wasn't suicidal but I was at a point in my life where if something where to happen to me then it's fine. And I remember I literally had to drag myself out of bed to eat or to move. And despite all that struggle, nobody knew. And nobody cared. Fortunately, and I'm not sure if it's because I was pretty self aware of my emotions, I knew I had to do something. And so I dragged myself out of bed, submitted my resignation and went to see a psychiatrist. Not gonna go into details but I was given medications to numb the pain and emptiness but apparently what I really needed was to just let it all out without judgements. Luckily my resignation wasn't taken seriously haha and they just gave me time off to 'fix' myself. I went back to work after a month I guess? Fast forward to 2024, I'd say the best medicine was in fact time. I passively allowed things to heal on their own. It still ached a bit, the past, and a lot of bridges were burned yeah but I'm just greateful I got through that worst time.
2025 I finished residency training and tried healing parts of me I ignored for too long. I found a new love for travelling and doing things alone like watching concerts, having breakfast/coffee in a public restaurant and somehow I never felt lonely. I felt at peace even. This was the year I learned how to love myself - that nobody can love me as much as I can love me. I was born alone and I will die alone. I guess it was during this time that I became a different person - I found myself saying no more often, honored my peace without guilt, rediscovered passions, and basically reclaimed my lost energy. And now there's just no going back.
At the moment, I feel happy and contented with myself and where I am now. Though at a deeper level, I feel like I have yet to be somewhere else. There is this itch inside me wanting to achieve a higher level of peace but I feel like it's leading me to burn more, if not all, bridges. It's probably just me being so hyper independent right now that I crave to start fresh in a place where people don't know me. I've slowly distanced myself to friends and now found myself shutting doors (metaphorically) even to my family. It's not that I am depressed, it's more of me avoiding toxicity which in my head means everyone in my circle at the moment lol. I have come to love and protect myself too much that I now give limited f&cks to whatever/whoever. Is that a good thing? Anyway, that's the Ahj you're seeing right now. I am happy yeah but somehow not fully yet. Oh Allah please guide me.
