I can't believe it's finally happening.
I can't believe I'll be a 4th year med student this June!!
Fourth year is basically training to become an actual healthcare worker. By this time, we are expected to deliver quality care to the sick directly as junior interns - applying what we learned, both theoretical and skills-wise, during the 3 tormenting years in medical school. That is.. if I have retained anything. 😳
Internship starts in 2 days.
My first rotation, Internal Medicine.
My current emotional state: a mix of 🙏😭😆😰.
What scares me the most is the thought of not being at par with the expectations that the patients, the consultants, my family, and that I have of myself. The pressure is high and room for error feels like it should be non-existent. Especially since we're dealing with actual human lives here. Without a doubt I know I would be going through mental and physical agony. Becoming a slave intern, the bottom of the healthcare pyramid, and the added burden of being a natural introverted lady, would for sure drain all the passion I have for medicine.
But despite all this negative insecure thoughts of mine, I know I will manage. As I always have over the past years. Or else I wouldn't have gotten this far, right? I just hope that the combination of sleep deprivation, poor eating habits, and fatigue would not burn me out so much. I hope the drive to learn, finish med school, and compassion triumphs over the bone-deep exhaustion of internship.
In other news, CLERK NA AKO FRIENDS!! 😊
Continue to guide me Ya Allah. Alhamdulillah for everything I have. Alhamdulillah for everything I had. Alhamdulillah for everything I will have.
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Let me just share how the last few weeks of third year was for me.
It's because you get sick and tired of medicine. It was really tough during the last few weeks. Everyday was a day of breakdown, tears, and madness. I felt like all my best efforts were not being recognized and the remaining confidence that I have with myself dwindled away with it. It was the worst. I was at it again with why I chose to be here, constantly questioning myself if I have accomplished anything, if I will ever make it as a doctor. I was in a constant battle with myself that I even considered myself borderline depressed.
But as they say.. only the brave remains. Things changed for me when I accepted reality. It was exhausting but more than that I was human. I thank my lucky stars for surrounding me with such supportive family and friends. They were there watching at the sides, constantly checking up on me, despite me pushing them away. They believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. I thank these people for keeping me sane. I swear, I owe all this to you.
